The other day I was talking to my mother-in-law. I suddenly remembered an incident that happened to me shortly after I came home from the maternity hospital.
Since my son was born in his thirty-third week we had to stay with him in the perinatal center for over a month. My baby boy had some serious health problems at the time.
After he and I returned home I didn’t seem like a creature with a mind, as I perceived everyone around me as a potential threat to my son. Because of chronic sleep deprivation, I had severe mood swings. I was unable to understand even my own desires, which made me very angry. In addition, my soul was always exhausted by fear for my son. I had never experienced such vivid emotions before.
When my son was three months old and I was after another sleepless night, my mother came to visit. We sat with her in the kitchen having tea, and she held her son in her arms. I was darker than a cloud at the time, it seemed to me that my life now consisted of baby cries, poop, laundry, and sleepless nights.
– You raise him, you stay up nights because of him, and then you give him away to some slut,” I told my mother as she rocked her grandson.
At that moment my mother looked at me carefully and said:
– That’s exactly what your mother-in-law thinks of you.
I looked at my mother and forgot about the tea. At that moment my mind rebooted and I realized my wrongdoing. From that day my mind began to come back to me drop by drop, but I was able to come to my senses fully when my son was six months old. I don’t know what it was, maybe I had postpartum depression, but it took me six whole months to realize it all. I had to completely change the way I looked at others, the world, and my own child. I am very grateful to my husband for being so understanding in dealing with all of my quirks.
When my mother and I reminisce about that tea party, we often laugh. She always tells me that I looked like a crazy hedgehog at that time. She later told me how her mother-in-law helped her out of exactly that condition, since her mother had died very early.
Mommy, I am so grateful for your wisdom!
