My older sister Maria is 35 years old. She is a true career woman, and an unwritten beauty. She recently got married for the second time. Her first husband ran out on her when he found out she had cancer and couldn’t have children. She made it on her own and now lives a full life. However, her infertility didn’t go anywhere.
I’m 27 years old. I also have a family – two kids and a husband. Everything was fine up to a certain point, and then I made a fatal mistake.
Maria’s current husband dreamed of having children, because he himself grew up in a family with many children. At first they wanted to adopt a child, and then they decided to ask me for help. My sister offered me to be a surrogate mother. Even before my illness, she had frozen her eggs – it was only a matter of time. I didn’t want to do it, but all my relatives pressured me. My mother kept telling me that if I refused, I would ruin my sister’s life. My husband just shrugged and told me to decide for myself.
After the insemination procedure, my well-being did not deteriorate. Pregnancy was easy, though I had been in the hospital with gestosis the previous two pregnancies. However, mentally I felt bad. I was like a shadow. When they came for an ultrasound, I asked the doctor to turn away the screen and did not say anything to me. And the first stirring … I felt so bad. I felt like a traitor, because I had to give up my baby. People around me thought I was exaggerating, no one understood how I really felt.
The baby boy was born right on time. My sister didn’t come to the hospital because she had an acute respiratory infection. I was only glad of that. All the relatives were already there when we were discharged. I didn’t breastfeed the baby so I didn’t get used to him even more.
It pains me a lot to see my nephew, but I try to see him every day. Bathing, dressing, playing… My sister lives next door, so she often leaves the baby with me. I don’t know what will happen to me the first time I hear “mommy” from him. And it’s not to me….
I secretly hope the boy stays with me. I don’t know what would have to happen for my parents to give him up, but these thoughts pop into my head regularly.
