My pregnancy was an accident, if I may say so. We were not planning a baby, and the doctors all said that I was infertile. For five years we were unprotected – and then such a surprise. Of course, after the diagnosis I felt inferior, but then I got used to it, and I rejected the news of pregnancy.
Even when I lost my period, I chalked it up to a normal malfunction. After a long delay I still went to a gynecologist and he confirmed my pregnancy. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in shock, because my boyfriend and I had just broken up the day before.
I’m out of work in a rental apartment, where would I get a baby? We didn’t have any serious plans with William. I called him and told him everything, because I thought that we should make a decision together. I knew he wouldn’t want to get married, because it’s stupid to live together just to have a child together.
I didn’t want to tie a man to me with a baby. I don’t think families like that are healthy. In that case, everyone would be unhappy, so you shouldn’t expect anything good from such a marriage. However, William proposed to me, he said that it was his true desire, the child is not involved, so I said yes. We celebrated the wedding in a small circle and began to prepare for married life.
When I had the baby, I realized that I had absolutely nothing for him. I got scared. All the girls in the room were looking at the baby, kissing, and I was just pretending to be a happy mommy so as not to stand out from the crowd.
I was afraid of this little man who divided my life into “before” and “after. I confessed this to my husband. He wrote it all off to postpartum depression and assured me that soon everything will be fine, and I’m sure to love my son. William was a great father, unlike me. I did everything on automatic and waited for his return from work to get away from the baby.
No, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel negative about him either. I just didn’t care. I took good care of him, worried about him, tried to be a good and caring mom, but there was no love. All the other relatives were squeaking with happiness, and I was breathing flat. Only my husband knew what was bothering me.
It wasn’t until nine months later that I realized what a mother’s love was. When the baby became human-like, learned to smile and crawl, I realized how much I loved him.
Young moms, don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Time will pass and everything will work out, because nature is not stupid, the realization of love will come sooner or later.
