Even though it’s been about four years since my divorce, I still miss my ex-husband, and I think his cheating was my fault. Yes, I realize that many will say that this is stupid. But that’s just my nature. After the affair, we broke up. But to this day I still worry about it.
We started dating my future husband while we were still at university. We went through a lot together. At first it was hard. There was no work, no money. Gradually things began to get better. We found a job. We started to move up the career ladder. We bought an apartment. And he cheated on me with my good friend, who also studied in our group. She was always more successful than me in her studies and in her career. We, like many friends, were always competing with each other. In the end she won.
In some ways, I was lucky that we hadn’t had kids yet. Why would they want a loser mother who couldn’t keep the family together? If I had a chance to change things, I would do everything I could to not repeat my mistakes. I wouldn’t let my husband go. And everything would have been fine with us.
My parents tell me not to blame myself and try to convince me that what happened was not my fault. Sometimes I think they’re right. But. Once again analyzing the events of the past, I again begin to believe that I myself am to blame. Maybe not completely, but partially for sure.
I also do not communicate with my friend. Although sometimes she tries to contact me. I do not know why she would do that. Once we met her in a store. I tried to control myself. I really wanted to say what I thought of her. She acted as if she hadn’t slept with my husband. Like it was just a regular meeting of old buddies. But, what was the point of making a scene? Would it make a difference? I’m not going to hang out with my friend anyway. After all, in a sense, she also betrayed me.
After my husband cheated on me I never saw him. General acquaintances said that he moved to another country. Someone even said that he got married and had children. Well, at least one of us is doing well. I’m really glad that everything in his life turned out okay.
I am well aware that I have already lost my chance. But, I really want to meet him one day. Not to scandalize, and just talk normally. Recall all the good things that were between us. Maybe after this conversation I would stop blaming myself, and would live a calmer life. I would also like to know exactly why he cheated on me. But maybe it is not so important. After all, the past can not return. Even if you really want to.
